Torn between two lovers?

Like most people, you have probably endured a “dating drought.” But perhaps things have changed for the better. Maybe you’ve even experienced a romantic downpour and you are now faced with a dilemma that would’ve seemed impossible through the dry years: You must choose between two or more potential partners.

Some might wish for such a problem, but the reality is less rosy than it sounds at first. How do you decide? What criteria do you use? Won’t the comparison between two worthwhile human beings always be an “apples to oranges” proposition? The answer is yes—but there is a way to make things easier on yourself.

Rather than stacking your prospective partners against one another like coins on a scale, a better approach is to take the opportunity to know yourself. Only then will you be able to tell which person fits best with who you are and what you hope to be. Personality traits in your future lover, even truly admirable ones, are only desirable if they are compatible with what you want and need.

Consider what you’re looking for.

Ask yourself whether you seek something serious or something casual. Do you want a hookup situation, or a steady girlfriend, or a long-term partner? Think about where you are in life, and what your goals are beyond these two girls. It can be easy to let your judgment be clouded by passion. It may help to take a step back from the girls in order to understand what you’re really after.

Maybe you need to focus on your career right now. Maybe you need a certain stability or casualness that only one of these girls can provide. What do you need?

Analyze your relationship with each girl.
Think about what they have in common, and try to understand how they’re different. Consider what each of these girls offers, and envision how each of them makes you feel. If you’re going to choose, you need to fully understand your choices.

  • Consider which girl you have better conversations with. Consider who is the most fun, and who inspires you to try new things. Perhaps you enjoy being with one girl more than the other.
  • Think about which girl you can trust. Maybe one girl is a lot of fun, but you can’t see yourself building a relationship with her. You may need to consider whether you want something more stable or something more exciting.
  • Determine whether you communicate better with one girl or the other. Communication is incredibly important in any relationship, and you may want to choose the girl with whom you can speak most truthfully.
Notice how each girl makes you feel about yourself.
Perhaps one girl makes you feel strong, capable, and worthy, while the other girl belittles you and makes you feel like a stranger to yourself. Maybe one lady makes you feel happy and carefree, while the other only stresses you out. Look for the changes in your own personality when you spend time with each of these girls. Consider which aspects of yourself you want to feed.
Look for alternative options.
Maybe neither girl is looking for an exclusive relationship, or maybe one of the girls isn’t even interested in you! This doesn’t mean that you should “play” the girls at the same time; only that the situation might be simpler or stranger than you think. Try talking to the girls (individually) to better understand what they’re looking for.

  • Don’t be afraid to think outside the box. There are many ways to make relationships work. The important thing is that everyone’s on the same page, and that you aren’t hurting anyone’s feelings.
Be honest with yourself.
If you can’t bring yourself to give a definitive “Yes!” to either girl, then perhaps you shouldn’t be getting serious with either of them. You don’t need to force a serious relationship, of course, but it’s important to understand why you’re having so much trouble choosing.
Make a list.
Set up one column for each girl, and list as many good qualities as you can think of. If you find any qualities that both girls share, cross them off the list. Review the unique qualities, and compare which ones you like best. The girl with the most and best unique qualities may well be the one you should choose. Consider also listing negative qualities; the girl with the fewest bad qualities might also be the girl to choose.

  • Good qualities might include: fun to hang out with; great conversations; amazing lover; good listener; trustworthy; intelligent; jaw-droppingly beautiful; gets along well with your friends; lives in the same area; loves to travel; makes you smile.
  • Bad qualities might include: quick temper; different values; not a resounding “Yes!”; not your “type”; lives far away; poor physical connection; stresses you out.
Listen to your heart.
Remember that the list is just a tool. Don’t make your decision based on a number; instead, use the number to better understand how you feel. One girl might look great on paper, but that doesn’t mean that you feel passionately about her. If the numbers don’t feel right, then maybe they aren’t right. Once you’ve listed all of the good and bad qualities, take the time to think about how much you realistically like each girl. Let your passion guide you.
Take your time, but don’t wait too long.
It’s important to be sure in your decision. However: if you keep these two girls waiting in limbo for too long, then you might wind up losing both of them. Try to make your decision as soon as possible so that you can clear everything up. The situation will be much simpler once you’ve chosen a girl (or chosen not to pursue either of them) and made your peace with the girl you didn’t choose.

  • The exact time is dependent on your exact situation. If you’re seeing these two girls every day, then your decision is urgent. Are you prepared to run into both of them at the same time?
  • Remember that these are human beings with real feelings. It isn’t fair to string them along just because you like to keep your options open unless, of course, they are doing the same, and they’re fully aware of the situation. Think about how you’d like to be treated in this situation.

Choose a girl.

If both of these ladies are equally amazing, it might never feel like the “right” choice, but you will eventually need to make a decision if you want to keep either of them. The honest road can be the hardest road, but it may also be incredibly rewarding. Make your choice, tell the girls, and simplify your life. Ask yourself which girl you’d most regret letting go.

  • Consider talking it over with friends and family. If you can’t decide, you might need some outside input from someone who’s seen you with both girls

Be firm in your choice.

Stick with the decision you make, and don’t waste time second-guessing yourself. If you break your promises, then neither of the girls will trust you and word might get around! Do not flip-flop between the women (because then they will both leave and you’ll be back to square one), and do not go back on your decision unless you are absolutely sure that it’s the right choice. Remember the adage: actions speak louder than words.

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