When you realize your intimate relationship has come to an end (or needs to), be sure to make the decision from a peaceful and reflective place, not a reactive, angry place.
When we are in the heat of the moment and angry, we sometimes make rash decisions and later regret our choices. Ending a relationship is not a decision that should be made during or shortly after an intense fight when you want the other person to hurt as much as you’re hurting. Let yourself calm down and honestly reflect on where the relationship is and if you are truly ready to put an end to it.
If you do, then approach your partner in a compassionate way and be honest. Don’t break up over the phone or in an email and text. Have an honest conversation about why the relationship is ending. It might be hard to tell the truth, but you may be doing the person a favor in terms of success in their future relationships. And you’ll walk away free from burden because you didn’t make a regretful decision in the heat of a moment.The following tips wil
Avoid the following technological break-up pitfalls
As the old saying goes “breaking up is hard to do” and, in this technological age, it is even harder to do it gracefully. The ease of access to texting, posting, and sharing makes a broken hearted person very vulnerable to doing some pretty distasteful things after they’ve cut the cord on their relationship.
In order to bow out gracefully make sure not to fall into these technological break-up pitfalls:
- Texting Marathons– Back and forth texts are a power struggle over who is right and who gets the last word. In the end those two things are not what is going to make you feel better. In fact, sending off quick texts often comes with a lot of guilt, embarrassment, or anger. Texts can be sent fueled with emotion and little thought. If you have something you need to say write it down on a piece of paper. If it still seems important you should be calling about it. Hopefully in the time it takes to dial the number you will have changed your mind.
- Insta-jealousy– When you post pictures of you and that cute guy you met at the bar in order to show your guy you’ve moved on you’re actually communicating the opposite. If a woman is comfortable with her break up she does not post things in reaction to her ex. She does not try to provoke pain or jealousy. She keeps living her most life as her authentic self. Post how you’ve always posted.
- Status overshare– Break ups are emotional and personal experiences. They should be shared with close friends and family. Before posting anything public on Facebook or Twitter give yourself time to process the loss. Talk on the phone to your best friend lay on the couch and cry to your mom while eating ice cream. Wait until you feel a little stronger to change your relationship “status” and remove pictures that make you sad.
- E-mail Blackmail– Don’t use technology to threaten your ex with his old sexts, personal e-mails, or any other information you have stored on your device. You shared those things with each other during a time where there was agreed upon trust. Just because the relationship is over does not give you permission to violate that trust.
Do unto others as you would have done unto you
Remember that little golden rule? Do unto others as you would have done unto you. This tried and tested rule certainly rings true when it comes time to end an intimate relationship.
Breaking up is hard to do.And why is it so tough? It usually feels awful to be on the receiving end of a break up, and we don’t want to be the one inflicting the rejection. While it may be anxiety-provoking to have that partnership-ending talk, it may be necessary. It’s not healthy for us, or for our partner, to keep dragging out a relationship based solely on our fear of terminating it.
There are some very helpful ways you can make it easier and it is important to master them, but never instead of remembering how important and respectful to both of you not to get yourself in this difficult corner again.
- Never blame your partner by telling him or her what they could have done differently. If there is no chance you are willing to keep trying, those criticisms will only hurt more. Your partner may scramble now to change them without any hope of success.
- Talk about why you were reticent to be up front earlier as an admission of who you are and how you could have handled it better.
- Let your partner vent and validate his or her right to do so. That doesn’t mean taking abuse, but you do want to own your accountability and your true sadness for causing any greater hurt by waiting until there were no other alternatives.
- Your partner will more than likely ask if you have found someone else. Hopefully, even if you have, you have not started overlapping without telling him or her. If you have met another person, you can ameliorate whatever sorrow your partner is feeling by telling him or her that you wanted to give the relationship all you had before letting go to make sure it was the right decision.
- Tell your partner everything you have learned and loved in the relationship. Thank them for the time you’ve shared and apologize for any misleading you may have inadvertently done.
If your partner has had no idea you were going to leave the relationship, you may not be able to help him or her through that heartbreak. You may not even have the right to. After you have made the separation, turn to yourself. Have you ever been on the other end of a negative surprise that has no alternative no matter what you do? What would you have preferred had the situation been reversed? Learning from the experience, you will not find yourself in the same difficult conflict again.
Express your emotions, as long as it can be from a place of productivity and not a place of blame or negativity
Breakups are hard no matter the situation. No matter how we feel we often want to say goodbye in a way that respects our feelings, respects our partner’s feelings, and allows things to end with closure, gracefully. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Speak from a place of kindness
I assume that you are breaking up after efforts to mend what is not working in the relationship, and that the continued behaviors are “deal breakers” for you. Working through all of that is the subject of another column.
The definition of graceful is: characterized by elegance of form, manner, movement or speech. To do anything gracefully, you need to keep all of those elements in mind.
To start, be clear on what the other person is doing that you cannot tolerate. Write it down and be very familiar with it when you meet face to face. Do not bring out the list and read it. Just keep it in your pocket as a sort of talisman.
The key to breaking up gracefully is being aware of what you are doing and why
So often there is a tremendous amount of hurt and pain when a relationship ends. We get so caught up in the emotion that we begin reacting to what’s being said or done. We seek revenge for being hurt, which then only compounds the situation, and it soon becomes a toxic, nasty fight.
Be calm, nonreactive and approach the conversation without blame or being defensive
Bad break ups. We’ve all been through them and know the pain and frustration involved for both parties. Often, our desire to avoid a negative interaction can fuel our anxiety to either find the “perfect solution” or escape all together, which prevents us from accepting the reality that this is not going to be easy. There is no quick fix, no perfect scenario that guarantees that your partner will not get their feelings hurt and leave with their self-esteem intact.
Remind yourself to BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE
The saying (and the old song) “Breaking up is hard to do” stems from simple truth! Even when we originate the breakup and know it is ‘for the best’ – we grieve the relationship. Grief generates feelings and we react to those feelings – sometimes, not in the best way. Breakups generally bring up feelings of fear, disappointment, and uncertainty. They can stir up insecurities and old scripts that we carry from our childhood (i.e., “you should have …”, “you could have…”).
Decide clearly for yourself what you want the result of this break up to be
“Breaking up is hard to do” – no matter how long the relationship lasted, you were, to some extent, “invested” with this other person. There was a reason you initially entered into this relationship, and now you want to end it. There were connections made with this other person – friendship, learnings/teachings, business endeavors, feelings of love/attraction, bonding, etc. When you decide to end this relationship, you are altering or severing these connections.
Make the decision with a full heart, express it in a timely manner, in person and be respectful while holding your ground and be confident
“Be honest and timely”. Breaking up with someone is never easy. Generally it is not considered polite in social interactions to hurt someone’s feelings but this is not a normal social interactions. Not to break up when you feel the need, is only stringing them alone. Stringing someone along is hurtful and should not be done.
By following these guidelines you will be able to process your feelings in a healthy and private manner. You will find yourself in the support of the people that matter most- family and friends- and without the static of the general public giving their opinions. You will also communicate to the other person that you respect yourself and that you will not allow a break up to drag you down. You never know what technological slip ups during a break up could amount to. Leave your ex with the memory of you being a strong and respectable woman. And even better, you will be setting yourself up for success in future relationships…knowing that your indiscretions are not going to come back to haunt you.